me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes