me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
You Might Also Like
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone