Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
The Birdles