Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
But is it really??
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.