ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.