Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet