I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
You Might Also Like
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit