Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
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The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*ernest hemingway voice*
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.