me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Every time.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now