Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.