me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Lassie, get help!
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.