me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else