Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
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Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools