Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
You Might Also Like
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
when there are deer in the woods