me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.