me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal