Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
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The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long