“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
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Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Breaking news:
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.