I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Why is this me 😫
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[eulogy]
line?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered