ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings