Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.