Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
You Might Also Like
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…