ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
this article brought to you by lions
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Morning my dudes.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
#Caturday
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”