ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence