Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
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Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?