Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
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Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”