You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
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Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
and now we wait
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.