Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I only treason on days ending in y
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*