Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
You Might Also Like
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I want what they have
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I beg your pardon?
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.