Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
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We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”