Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.