ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
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Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.