ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
i’m still crying at this
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.