ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
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On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
me
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
craving $300 all of a sudden
This meeting could have been a cake
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills