Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
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New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?