Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
i choose….tongue
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Krampus.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Favourite diary entry ever
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system