Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Super Hand Dog Face
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I’ve had worse
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.