they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
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taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.