mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*pronounces woah like Noah*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away