[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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taking June’s advice to heart
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.