A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
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Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Well, that didn’t work.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
This headline is a thing of beauty
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Well, that should do it
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it