Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Thursday Thought.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Money is the root of all wealth
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.