Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
had to share :’)
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of