Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.