ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine