If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Webb. James Webb.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.