Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Science memes
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.