Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
LOL
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.