I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
This is the best one I’ve seen
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.