I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
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[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire