Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
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I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Nice try Hitler
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I only say stupid things when I talk.